Nothing and Nowhere Is Permanent

I made myself available.. To love, to talk, to care even when you don't see it. I'm comparable to none, all those around me can tell but you don't see it. Is my voice to quiet to listen, to soft to hear... Are my legs too open that you can tell that your the perfect fit, saving my love only for you when your hearts far from it. Oh the comfort of knowing that no one will take your place, all week I save my love for you. Our sex is good but...I want all of you. Not just the all I get when I see you...I save myself for you daily without questioning my own choice. I'm taken but there's no commitment from you... Live in the moment.. No title it is...reality Is I claim you and you don't claim me..that's the title I'll give...my heart is naturally patience, I sleep on a towel so my pillow stays dry but these days tears seep through. I wish I could tell my heart what to do... I feel empty. Something told me to cancel Thursday's... And I knew Ann wasn't just a friend...my heart broke when you said Tina, I knew it wouldn't Bee the end...never again will I sacrifice my heart for yours, ignore the scratches on your chest when you keep your nails low... Then you say don't look at me like that, just to regain control...now my hearts stopped beating I've gone to far in my lifelessness...and I know you'll never be alone... And always be loved and maybe your satisfied with just that...you get infactuated with the beginning...fall hard and leave quick looking for ms. Perfect as if that's your only match...I said your perfect to me...fail...and Religion... You were mines... I fucked u like how I should have been praying- constantly... And what was funny about this faith was I had it in you as if you would do the same ...singles not a title it's a mindset...there's  a thousand different versions of yourself and you want me to be familiar... I'm not...you showed me how much you cared... You don't. Apologize with letters not words as if I'm not worthy enough to hear your voice...and what are you apologetic for anyway?...speaking unnecessarily just so you feel content..and you have no respect for me...selfishly speak cuz now YOUR ready to listen...or rather wait for a reply...don't worry I'll wait too... Til I FEEL like it...and maybe I do now...you'd know if you knew me but eff that! You don't know me...and the fuck you mean just...there you go starting a conversation and ending it in the same sentence...All on your terms that's what it is...and if it's not... Excuse me if That's how I'll take it. I don't need to be sensitive to your feelings if you don't care about mines... I don't need it... I don't need you. Nor do I care to help you sleep at night, don't thank me for that shit... All I've had was sleepless nights...we can't be friends...so there's no need to respond to you... I won't... Before you made me weak...vulnerable to your touch, your loves, your voice...I listened because I was genuinely interested in how you perceived the world. I loved it. I adored you and respected you...eff that. Butterflies in my stomach when I heard your ringer...just know now I dismiss it ALL. Yes the memories we had were relevant to a time and now music and images of you still haunt me like soundless mimes but I'd rather think it was a figment of my own imagination... Cuz you were never there...I was, not you. "I would never hurt you on purpose..." Always and forever more....funny thing was you were always doing the reassuring when I was so sure... U weren't. I wish u told me but here you go Bullshiting... Don't know how to say shit when your the self proclaimed 'Communicator'..."your my one" Seems like you probably got two...or three who knows...but all I can say is that's the way love goes...you give someone your heart completely and trust them enough not to drop it...usually they do...loyalty one of your favorite topics...all your investments in the office and musically and your hurt by how forgetful people are, leaving when sight of something "better" comes along... That's amusing to me...all I can say Is I need a refund...Real Talk. Of time...tolls, tickets; days, hours minutes, even seconds you've crossed my mind...most importantly i need that time...matter of fact give me my pussy back cuz I said it was yours...and im the dumbass cuz a year n a half and i never step out on you once...should have been doing what the fuck you were... Fuck me. And since i compromised myself for you.. You prally want what you originally had..."your a one woman man"...no parties... Prally no smoking... May even quit drinking...again fuck me. Best friend said you were my IT boy... I'd do anything for u and I did...I was comfortable enough to trust... Because i had respect for you...most of the time even enough trust not to question...To me everyday was okie when I was with you... You taught me to live in the moment...your moment...Your desires became mine... I loved them i loved u...and I was comfortable with not being ordinary...nothing about me has ever been ordinary... Not even the way I love...I give when I didn't have to give but did cuz I thought ud do the same...didn't realize you were "living in the moment" for a moment...told you if I'm not your one I don't wana be in that number...fuck you number four. And yea just a little bit more than 3, 2 and 1... I loved you the most so I guess the amount of hate can be equally reciprocated...I said I love absolutely everything about you..."love you too babe"... Lies. But sometimes I even miss those...Then i force myself to remember, and then I think fuck him... don't regret anything, i just learned alot... Never trust a smooth talking taurus who writes, eats all things BBQ...and hates peanut butter...Yea fuck him...I just miss the dog.

Just thinking...and Drinking...

I wish I was blind so I could feel you and be content. I wish I couldn't hear so when you spoke, the lies you told would be overshadowed with the fascination of your mouth moving. I wish I never fell in love between my ears because now anything said, I question. Strangers brush pass me and I smell you. You say I'm doing too much but to me your not doing enough.Thinking of a way to stop thinking. Now Im freaking linking songs, smells and places to you. Sometimes I wish I was a vegetable. I rather just sleep but now I'm a prisoner to my dreams of romance. I think to myself if I'm not your ONE, I don't want to be in that number because I'm worth so much more. You take pleasure in having me when you want...the problem is...there is a problem. And that entire act of desire was seemingly a front. If you can have who you want, when you want, then continue. And if I foolishly put myself back on the menu because I love you...don't let it offend you cuz I REALLY do. I see you want options and if there's just soo many options then stay opinionated because obviously the ability to choose me is the hard part. Yesterday was a lie... is true and tissues are irrelevant for what I need because now a towel will do. My tears flow like their never ending, their beginning to piss- me- off. I don't want to miss you. But that sentence is irrelevant cuz I do...and now my lips are chapped so im feeling it in other ways too. I stay busy then find reasons to hate you as time passes me by, but love is stronger than pride- days past eventually I say Hi. Ignoring your existance until I feel better about mines. Mindful of excapism; a drink here...a drink there...SHIT- it's 5'o clock somewhere.

Rise and the SUN ain't shining

Facial expressions of questioning thoughts...my minds wandering but your heart is too. I'm not sleepy but im tired. I feel something good but I'm too smart to think the best, it might just be another test I fail. Now my minds racing Im not even hungry. It's funny how you do something and now MY ass is on a fast for your love. You say you only have eyes for me but I can tell your wandering...you wonder what it would be like of you were with her. Your the one second guessing but im suppose to be impressed when you say with confidence that you like me. But I see clearly that you like me when your with me and that fabrication of infactuation will eventually pass. You love the chase but the fact of the matter is I want to be caught and kept.You say it's the way you feel when your with me and I definately feel it...you right. Crazy strong conection that gets interruption when corrupted. Tainting the beauty of what we have not only out of the likes of you or even your capacity to believe you can have your cake and eat it too. It hurts, not because I'm second best but because I know Im first and there's a winner up. Everything once perfect only changes when my capacity to accept nonsense - once the best part of being with me is now reeling thin. This shits irrelevant now...you win.

Empty

Let's be empty. Right now I can see that your half full...If I compare you to a glass Im being optimistic. It really depends on how you look at it but excuse me if Im a pesamist. I'd rather you either be empty because if your full I'll pass. When your empty you don't spill, if there's a crack it doesn't matter much. Nothing seems to trickle on my feet as I carry you with me. Let me love you, let me drink you...the invisible air that IS you. Indulge me..stay with me...leaving is the opposite of loving...support me in my quest to be full but let's be full together. Half heartbreak, a quater pain, a quarter love, if your only partly living then there is no gain. Let me hold you, take a risk with me. If we fall at least we fall together, I already promised I'd catch you. Pour out to me, release yourself to me. If your carrying something let me know because at least you'd give me the opportunity to hold you just a little tighter, a little longer, and maybe even with two hands...after I have you I wouldnt just let you go. Just like a glass I see right through you but right now you see thru me like Im not there. Show me your cracks and I'll glue them back together. Let me see your heart and I'll mend it. Let's fill each other with our love but FIRST let's be empty.

you and mE

I never thought I’d take you but the opportunity presented itself. All these misconceptions and perceptions of who you were delayed my reaction. Lost in translation of how you were described, still suspect of how your love could damage my health. But in still I decided to take the chance, one life to live what’s the worse that could happen except one bad romance.  Rather enticing, I wanted to try just to see what could be, how I would be, how you would be… us together. At first I thought you tricked me because you were only giving; me taking rather accepting me half of you… thought by splitting you it was the chance id take but still gave a sense of false security because I didn’t have you entirely so I had to risk it all…I was eager to feel you but you gave me slowly what we’d share in time. Cut in half, torn in two pieces one for me and one for another I thought, but in time I was able to take you all together. We danced alike, the romance was right and we listened to our own tunes “we took the night”…and we did. Staying up with you I was more open to be myself. Rolling around the plush carpet just because it felt good against my body didn’t seem as crazy with you, living naked made so much sense too, taking in the moment no longer a phrase but became a feeling with you and I absorbed it all. At times I felt like I was drowning in your love but I couldn’t help but drinking. I wanted to keep tasting what I was tasting. Everything with you felt so much better yet it would be a shame to lose myself in you.  The norms of laughter are heightened with you; you inspire movements; dancing, intellect, and creativity, increase passion effortlessly. I learn to express myself when I gaze into your eyes. And that’s just exactly what I do , I’m in a daze when I’m with you. Nothing else matters, addicted to the time we share, my sex is better just a little wetter when your there, and even when your not in me sometimes I wish you were. Throughout all my experiences, turns out you are the best, your one of a kind, a different high I cant described…I feel you in my chest ….my heart pounding heavier each time I’m with you at times I’m scared the beating will end …now I’m thinking how I was able to live alone without love again…

Your Love

I am so thankful for your love. You’re that someone that walked into my life, making me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Through the years I’ve been hurt so many times, in love by myself but now I’m so thankful for my one true love. You found me, we found each other, and “we’re great together” you say. I feel like I’ve been waiting for you for so long, someone to share my feelings with, my dreams, my fears and you listen. Trying hard to count the ways you love me. You’re so easy to love. When I breathe I feel you, sometimes when I’m walking I get a bop to my step and I think of you. I laugh. When I wake up I feel rested because all night I was in your arms. There’s so many jokes we share I wish I could remember them all but I’ve learned to just take in “the moment”. Fun… I laugh at you too…honestly I laugh at myself…because being with you makes me smile a little wider. I love everything about you. You’re so smart. I find myself reading your thoughts on your blog when I miss you...  and because I‘m so familiar, I find myself quoting you … but what’s funny is I can hear you loud and clear but mostly I like to hear you when your silent I understand more...and I too wanted love like I needed love. I knew there was something special about you. You had me at goodbye..as you continuously asked if you could I have a drunken kiss… I asked why because i knew you wouldn't remember it. I walked in the house and told my sister I think I like “him”…she told me you’re a talker and my panties would soon be laying on the floor but what I learned was I am a thinker… after loving you I find myself thinking of ways to take them off. Shit I dont' even wear panties Im a nudest now. I dance in your arms, hugging you is as vital as breathing, sometimes I need them…you make me better. Cautious with my heart, still I gave it freely I knew that I loved you and I remember always saying to you, “if I don’t, I know want to”… as we lay in bed you told me to say it again. I am intrigued by your intelligence, the words you choose, and you do choose them carefully; carefully enough to keep me…and I like it. Just the simple words…mines and yours make me smile…reminiscing about first times, movies we watched, mornings we kissed stinky breath but our love disguised it lol, love is blind but who knew trickled into other senses. I wasn’t lying when I said you’re different. I’m so comfortable with you; the way you make me feel about me makes me love you more. You accept me so it’s easier for me to accept me. No surgery required, I feel admired when I’m around you. Your eyes enticing me from a far, I feel like we’re the only people in the room. Small phrases, eye gazes wheel me in; I’m attracted to all of you. You make me want to have a “sex revolution” with “no judging” and “no rules” as we’re “spending time…living in the moment”. I love your quirky humor and positive attitude, looking on the bright side…when there is no bright side. You say “ I’ll manage”  and that’s when I think you’re the one….my one. I began to think of the mornings you wake up enthused laying on the carpet with your belly on the floor as you take out your notebook and your ideas flow onto the paper like living water. When you speak I listen, not just out of respect or because I adore you but I want to support you. Your ideas, ambitions, emotions, I see your drive and motivation in your eyes and I appreciate you even more…never let that die. Small things make a big difference and all the a small things you talk about are the same small things that keep me loving you. I think of the time we share and although it’s not as much as I want, I see the potential of what we can have in the future. Young black love. I see the reality of you being my one; and me being yours. I wish I could explain in words how much I feel for you but I can’t comprehend entirely myself. Emily’s lyrics mean so much more to me now when she sings “Cursed with love that I cannot express”… I understand.  I can’t tell you how much I care for you and you’ll never know.  This IS insane but I hope it’s permanent. Its funny how people say they fall in and out of love but what I’ve learned is real love is stronger than pride...it works if YOU work it. You’re a true gem, maybe a diamond in the rough but the fact still remains your worth so much. Ill wait for you...I promise.

Morning Thoughts of You

I’m so sure I love you. Can I be in you? Can you feel me when were apart? Loving every second I see you, every moment I touch you. Gazing into your eyes mesmerize me, breathing together comforts me, as we inhale together I can’t wait until we exhale, just another moment of doing something else…together. Your perfect to me, you pay attention to the intricate details that mean so much to me. What others dismiss as insignificant, I insist makes us who we are. You’re my one, like a puzzle my perfect fit. When we hug I swear were feeling the same way and that’s just it, no one feels what we have just like we have it. You’re in my mind, dancing, walking, bopping to the beat that only we share. When I reminiscence of days with you I think about all the small jokes we have, I wish at that time I could write them down so when were in our old age we’d laugh just as hard. Sometimes I think, am I missing anything… then remember I’ve never had this much. Mistakes we make but truth surpass the lies told to be comfortable, only to realize…by being together compelled to truth is the comfort level that grows. That is why your perfect, you fight me when I tell you but I mean your perfect for me and I’m sure you agree, I feel like you get it…you don’t want to hurt me and its not because selfishly you’ll feel bad seeing me cry but because you care too much to blatantly lie…a characteristic that is important to me because I live to trust you completely and hiding anything would torture me to tears. Not the crying we do together because we’re so happy we found each other or even the teary eyes seen when singing a song that embodies how we feel but it’s just what we share. You make me feel alive and the fact that I feel that you care sometimes is just too much for me to take. Always me first, you drink, you eat, you pick, you want, you get off first and I’m used to giving sometimes its hard for me to take but you make it easy. You make heavy burdens light…things that would have been a big deal are taken more gently because of the love I feel, the love you give and I pray you know how much I love you back.